The Last Time
by FuelDH206
Summary: My first attempt at a multi chapter fic taking place right after the proposal. Read, Review, Suggest. No beta so all mistakes are mine. I OWN NOTHING BUT MY OWN DESTINY. AWM owns Castle and Taylor Swift owns the song.
1. Chapter 1

"Katherine Hougton Beckett, will you marry me" Seven words turned her world upside down again and caused her to run. This time, however, she ran into herself and not away. The initial panic of "is he breaking up with me" subsided and left her with "Oh My God, no."

"No?" he asked, his face showing the absolute devastation at the two letter word she just spoke.

"Castle, I can't say yes." "Not now, not out of fear and not like this." She grabbed for him, pulling his body close and meeting his eyes head on. "I want to marry you Castle, I really do but I…I can't find a yes right now." "Give me some time to think things through."

He listened, really trying to hear and read what she was saying but ultimately he was unable to decipher the true words behind her no.

"Kate, I meant what I said." "Whatever happens, whatever you decide, I want to be there, I want to be at the top of your list."

Both their words hang in the air, neither willing to pull them back down to clarify. "Give me some time Castle, I just need some time."

"Time is all you've had Kate." Castle spits out before rising off the swing and making his way back to the loft.

_This is the last time I'm asking you this,  
Put my name on the top of your list,  
This is the last time I'm asking you why,  
You break my heart in the blink of an eye_.

She stays at the swings his words swimming in her thoughts. She doesn't know why she does this, why she's always done this. Relationships go in stages, the faces may change but still the stages progress. She's good with the first few steps, however, the meat of a relationship scares the shit out of her. Being scared is not an option for Kate Beckett so she runs or sabotages or both. Repeatedly. Why? She vows to do it differently this time.

Aimlessly swinging she replays the last year in her head. Her thoughts drift to dinner with the parents, the Hamptons, Alexis, Nebula 9, cozy dinners, sharing secrets and the intimacy of two people in love. The thought hits her like a bolt of lightning. Two people in love. Two people who really have been doing this dance of love for 5 years. They should be sharing secrets, not keeping secrets. She needs to fix this.

Found myself at your door,  
Just like all those times before,  
I'm not sure how I got there,  
All roads they lead me here.

I imagine you are home,  
In your room, all alone,  
And you open your eyes into mine,  
And everything feels better,

Standing outside the loft, Kate attempts to steady her breathing before inserting her key in the door and swinging it open. "Castle?" she calls out. "Rick, are you here?"

From the study she hears his voice answer back, "I'm in here Kate." She realizes he is not coming to meet her so she walks tentatively to his office door. She finds him sitting behind the massive desk, hands rolling the pro-offered ring through his fingers. She can't help but be reminded of how she has hurt him. Again. Leaning against the door frame, she sends a shy smile his way. "Hey." She says. His slightly duller blue eyes look up at her and he responds with his own "Hey." Adding, "I didn't expect you back…so soon."

Right before your eyes,  
I'm breaking and fast,  
No reasons why,  
Just you and me.

She looks at him, searching and finding the love that has always been there. Taking a deep breath, she answers, "Yeah, well, I'm ready to deal."


	2. Misconceptions

_Recap: She looks at him, searching and finding the love that has always been there. Taking a deep breath, she answers, "Yeah, well, I'm ready to deal."_

Castle eyes shift to hers as he lets a heavy sigh escape before answering, "If you're ready to deal Kate, then by all means, put your cards on the table."

She's slightly taken back by the coldness of his tone but she understands what's she has done and exactly what is at stake.

Taking a deep breath, she starts "I want to marry you Rick, I really do." He wants to interrupt but the pleading look in her eyes makes him wait. "I'm scared." She whispers. "I'm just so scared."

She can see the anger as it reaches his eyes. "Of course you're scared Kate, it's what you do." "You run, you hide in your work and you build walls." She blanches at his words. It is what she does. It's what she has always done, she corrects herself.

Before he can continue, she starts again. "This job, it's what I want."

Castle's mind stops as if he's hit a brick wall. He cannot believe that after everything they have been through and whatever they can become, she is choosing another direction. He feels himself deflate, albeit momentarily. He pushes himself back from his desk and begins to move towards her. "D.C. is a wonderful opportunity and I think you'll be an extraordinary agent Kate." "I meant what I said though, whatever happens, whatever you decide, I would be there." "However, I get the feeling this is something you need to do yourself in order to end it easily and gracefully."

You find yourself at my door,  
Just like all those times before,  
You wear your best apology,  
But I was there to watch you leave

She can feel the tears begin to sting her eyes as the anger builds. "You think I want to bow out gracefully?" "That's what you think, Castle?" "I said I was ready to deal and I meant it!" " I Love you Castle and I don't want to run anymore."

He watches her as she begins to pace around the room, daring him to move or to leave. She's beautiful when she's angry.

"You said we both deserved more and I agreed." She says. "I do want more. I want more than this job, more than the dance we've been doing, more of everything." He listens as she continues. "I just don't know how to get from here to more."

He audibly sighs as he sits back down again, "We can get to more together but we need to travel a path neither of us has been willing to take." "We need to lay our cards out and see how they fall." "All of our cards, Kate."

Their silence fills the room, each lost in their own thoughts and contemplating next moves.

Several minutes go by before she whispers "Why now, Rick?" "Despite your words, I can't help but feel an undertone of an ultimatum in them." He doesn't meet her eyes and instead busies himself with something on his desk.

He begins with "I love you Kate." "I love every extraordinary thing about you and how you make me feel." "Loving you has been the single greatest thing in my life next to Alexis." "The thought of not having you next to me terrified me, however, that wasn't my motive for asking you now." "After talking to my mother, I realized that I have spent the better part of 5 years working at your pace." "I gave you nothing but time and I decided that time is what I no longer wanted you to have." "You mistook my giving of space and time as complacency and I unknowingly gave you an out." "I don't want out Kate, I am all in and I had hoped to God that you were too." "It was time." "It was time to act, time to ask, time…to take away your out."

She studies his face as he ends his speech. She can see the anger and the frustration roll though his face but she can also see the intense love. She wants to hug him, wants to be close to him, however, she remains unsure of just where they are now so she repositions herself against the doorframe.

"I want to tell you a story Kate, one you haven't heard from me before." As he looks up at her, she is frozen by the amount of pain that washes across his features. She waits with unknown fear for him to start talking again.

"Meredith and I were young and naïve when we married." "I foolishly thought that having a family would bring forever happiness." "In the beginning there was some happiness although it didn't last long." Kate is taken back by the depth of pain Castle shows as he struggles for air and the words to continue. She wants to brush his pain away, make him know that forever happiness can be found with her but she also wants to hear the flip side of this story that was started months ago with Meredith's visit.

Castle takes a deep breath, lets it whoosh out and begins again. "Meredith never showed any interest in being a mom or a wife. Her interests were in my money, her career and her conquests." "I refused to see this so I kept playing house, playing dad and playing husband, thinking she would come around eventually." "She didn't." "I came home early one night to find her naked and bucking her hips into the director of her current play." "I can forgive a lot of things Kate but I cannot forgive my partner being unfaithful."

Kate can't move, can't breathe, can't believe what this man has just shared with her. Before she can react to his heartbreaking confession, she hears him quietly whisper, "Why Vaughn, Kate?

_This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong,  
This is the last time I say It's been you all along,  
This is the last time I let you in my door,  
This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore._


	3. Chapter 3 Dealing

_Recap: Kate can't move, can't breathe, can't believe what this man has just shared with her. Before she can react to his heartbreaking confession, she hears him quietly whisper, "Why Vaughn, Kate? _

The question rushes through her ears like wind through a tunnel. Her words are far away as she begins to explain, "Vaughn was, Vaughn was a mistake, Castle." "Although nothing happened, the situation was still a mistake."

His eyes search her face, searching for the real reasoning behind her words. "A mistake Kate, or a lapse in your belief of what we had?" She stiffens at the word "had".

He continues, "I know nothing happened but I can't get over the fact the situation presented itself enough that you had to step back or doubt in the first place." "I've spent the better part of five years breaking down your walls, trying to find my way in. It was less than a day for Vaughn." "Why, Kate?"

She hangs her head as she struggles to find the words to convey her regret but more importantly explain her actions. "I did doubt you, I doubted us." "I let my insecurities take hold before I realized what I was doing." She searched out his eyes, needing him to see her words as well as hear them. "I'm so sorry I doubted you Castle, I'm so sorry."

He surprises her with his response, "I'm sorry too Kate, for ever having placed those doubts in your heart." "I'm still hurt but I am beginning to understand your actions a little more."

She watches him and although she wants to move towards him, to be closer to him she remains just on the outside of the doorframe. The last few days have taken their toll on both of them. She is exhausted and can tell that he is too. They've made some progress today and she is hopeful it's enough for now. It's not.

"Are your doubts the reason you kept the job offer and the interview from me?" Kate takes a deep breath. She wishes they could stop for today but she knows she promised him that she was ready to deal.

"Maybe initially the doubts were the reason to hide it from you." "However, I really thought it wouldn't go anywhere and I didn't want to upset you." "I shouldn't have kept secrets, not from you." "I just, I've never had to consider anyone but myself for so long, I fell back into bad habits."

"I would have supported you Kate, in whatever way you wanted." "I still support you, I'm so proud that you are up for such a prestigious position. I just wish it was something we could have shared together, I wish you had trusted us enough to let me share in the decision."

Kate cuts in, "Castle, I know and I'm sorry." "My handling of the opportunity was poor but it helped me realize that I wanted more." "I do want more Castle and not just the job." "The last few days have made me understand how much I love you, how much I love our life and how much our relationship means to me."

He jumps out of his chair and moves towards her, "If that's the case Kate, then why turn down my marriage proposal."

Her composure is beginning to crumble. "Castle, I didn't turn down your proposal, I told you I couldn't say yes right then." "I needed time to think."

He is losing patience. Two quick strides and he is directly in front of her. He tilts her face up to meet his eyes. "Kate, you've had nothing but time." "I've been patient, complacent even, never pushing and allowing you the time you needed to put both feet in this."

She takes a deep breath, reveling in his touch even if he's angry with her. "I know Rick, I know." "After you left me at the swings, I did some thinking." "I took some time to get my thoughts in order and then, I came here."

He moves past her through the door and towards the kitchen. She breathes in his scent that lingers from his brush past and she follows him out of the room. She watches as he grabs a bottle of water from the fridge, tilting it towards her in a silent question. She shakes her head; he shrugs and uncaps the bottle taking a large swig of the cold liquid.

Placing the bottle on the counter he turns to her, "What do you want Kate?" There is no anger or animosity in his words just straight curiosity.

She crosses the room, circles his waist and tilts her head up so she can look directly in his eyes and simply states, "I was hoping we could talk about D.C. and marriage and more."


End file.
